Brian Kilmeade Kicks Off ‘Fox & Friends’ Caravan Freakout Season With Scary Stories, Also Some Jokes

It’s June! You know what that means.

It’s time for Pride month Juneteenth the official beginning of summer January 6 hearings Flag Day Father’s Day Fox News to blow a crater through the bottom of Sixth Avenue in New York because of how hard it’s shitting its pants over the latest migrant caravan from southern Mexico and Central America. Credible reports say between 4,000 and 6,000 people are walking, fleeing violence, hunger and terribleness in Venezuela, Cuba, and Central America. Fox News says that is AIYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!

Here is Brian Kilmeade freaking out on yesterday’s “Fox & Friends”:

BRIAN KILMEADE: It’s a story that keeps getting worse by the day because an administration not only has a bad illegal immigration policy and border policy, they have a nonexistent one. In fact, you almost have to conclude that they want it to happen. But the worst is yet to come. How do we know? Because there’s over 10,000 illegal immigrants set to storm our borders, two-thirds of which are women and children who then become our responsibility to clothe, to food, to school, and because our system is so broken, because our wall is rotting in the middle of a desert which we already paid for, we seem helpless just to watch it.

Oh my fucking god.

First of all he’s inflating the numbers, calling people “illegal immigrants” even though they haven’t even made it to the US border yet, saying they’re going to “storm our borders,” even though he acknowledges that many of them are innocent children. And then he whines that “our wall is rotting,” because he’s apparently so stupid he believes Donald Trump actually finished building his loser wall.

So that was yesterday. That was a biiiiiiiig pantshitting fear crater he made right there.

Then there was today.

This is a weird segment. Same lily-white couch full of malignant morons. But this time it was a silly little intro segment before they got directly into the immigrants who are storming the borders looking for a place to live where they don’t starve to death or get murdered. (Pause for moment to note that things are so bad for these people that Texas is a step up.)

This time, they showed a morning beach video of Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Cohost Steve Doocy said he’d rather be at the beach. He said that, fun fact, Seaside Heights is just down the way from where they did “Jersey Shore.” Doocy reminded “Fox & Friends” viewers that, as per “Jersey Shore,” the most important things one must do during the day are “gym, tan, laundry.” He added, “GTL, baby!”

Then Ainsley Earhardt said she was recently near where Doocy lives, in Silver Lake, New Jersey. They all agreed it’s very nice there. It’s on the beach, there are Victorian houses and wraparound porches and people in Adirondack chairs watching their kids play. Isn’t that all great? Just like Mayberry, said one of them.

Take a moment to imagine what sort of scene the average “Fox & Friends” viewer was probably envisioning, and how much white skin was in it.

And that was when Brian Kilmeade started bitching about Adirondack chairs. He does not like them! “Not good for your spine, it’s like sitting in a hole!” Steve Doocy disagreed. He said his forearms are very relaxed in the Adirondack chairs, because of their big flat arms. Ainsley Earhardt said they need cushions, and also a drink-holder. Doocy said no drink-holders, as the big chair arms are flat.

That was when Kilmeade explained none of that was necessary, because he makes a butler hold his drink for him and hand it to him when he needs sippies. Somehow, from there, within seconds the mood turned dark and Kilmeade started talking about how 15,000 migrants50 percent more than yesterday! — are rushing the border NOWFUCKINGRIGHTNOW.

Watch this transition, it’s breathtaking:

KILMEADE: Get a butler to hold your drink. Say, “I’m ready for another sip,” and they hand it right over to you.

DOOCY: Brian, hold that [unintelligible]

KILMEADE: Thank you very much. No thanks, I’m not thirsty.

EARHARDT: How would you claim that butler on your taxes? They are expensive.

KILMEADE: He’s here illegally. My butlers are here illegally. There’s about 15,000 butlers trying to get across the border.

EARHARDT: The largest caravan is coming in.


A fun, freewheeling “Fox & Friends” conversation about beach scenes and chair comfort turned ON A DIME into the screen going dark and Kilmeade holding a flashlight up to his face and saying there are 15,000 illegal butlers storming the border. And right after they got all the viewers thinking about white people in idyllic beach locales!

Remarkable. Let no one say those three aren’t professionals at what they do.

Anyway, it’s migrant caravan season, motherfuckers. This is like Christmas for the rightwing media racists.

[Media Matters / also]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!

Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by a few thousand people like you. If you’re not already, would you pls consider being the few thousandth and one?

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.